Are the hatches battened?
Is the fire stoked?
Did you stock up on condoms?
This is where society usually fails…that third question.
Here, in the Toronto area, they are calling for anywhere from 20-40 cms of snow…for our imperialistic Yankee friends, that’s about 8-16 inches. This is not the 30″ the NYC was recently blasted with, but this year has been snowbound.
Remember two things about Toronto. First off, we are nearly as far south as Rome and Northern California. Second, thanks to that lovely lady known as Lake Ontario, big storms are not the norm and are usually deflected south to attack Buffalo and Rochester, New York. Toronto was not built with major snow removal in mind…this is not Saskatchewan.
I’m sorry, I digress. I was discussing how not enough of us stock up on condoms before the snow hits.
When I was a younger man, condoms were an embarrassment. I bought my first at about fifteen and, I kept my eyes to the ground with warm red cheeks as I purchased them. Being a late bloomer, that pack expired before I got to use it.
This is part of why I have an issue with good looking young women as cashiers. I blame them on the Christian right wing. The better looking the eighteen year old goddess asking for your money is, the more embarrassed young men are as they do not want her knowing that they are having sex with someone else…or that they are thinking about having sex with someone else…or that they even know what sex is.
We need condoms to be sold more through automation to avoid this. Perhaps install robots or droids, of course making certain to turn off their emotion chip while at work.
Now, however, a condom purchase as a forty-something man is a proud moment. A sign of vigor. A man looks at that young woman, hands her the mega-sized box of condoms and his smile says, “I’m having more sex than you. Want some?”
Where the fuck was I going with this? Oh yeah…
As such, I always have three mega-sized boxes of condoms in the cupboard over the stairs. A good spot as the doberman cannot reach them and, let me say, that was a nightmare the last time he did. Suddenly all the neighbor bitches started hanging around my door, and the howling at night was enough to have me reevaluating my stance on gun control.
So…with the cumming…whoops, sorry, coming snow it is important. What happens if the milf next door ends up snowed in alone as her husband is trapped with his mistress and her children are stuck at the liquor store? What happens if the power is out and she wanders through the snow drifts to my door…easy to see with the battery powered blinking neon lights I had installed…looking for comfort?
When she knocks on the door and sees me in the candlelight and hears Barry White singing on my battery operated record player…when I say, “damn, I’m out of coffee. How about red wine? Here…whoops. Let me get you a refill, and let’s get you out of those wet clothes.”…when she’s had three glasses of wine and is warming her near naked self in front of the crackling fire while I do my usualing seductive meditative dance to Barry’s song…well, who knows what will happen.
If nothing else, a good snow fall brings neighbors together…and good condom stocks make sure there is no evidence later.