Gravity tricked me.

Of course, it is only a theory, so I should have known better than to believe in such poppycock. Were gravity a fact, milfs would no longer be at all attractive, our double chins would be quadruples, and our legs would no longer be long enough to keep our genitals from dragging along the pavement as we walk. It is by God’s will and power that we remain on the ground. Newton claimed that an apple fell on him, proving gravity. His head, however, stopped it…perhaps disproving it. In my humble scientific opinion, if gravity actually existed then the apple should have killed Newton as it sheared through his skull and kept going. With him dead, we would not have to discuss such pseudo science as gravity.

Then there is this goof ball, Galileo. Of course the Sun revolves around the Earth. All the astral bodies do. This idiotic theory of his that the Earth revolves around the Sun is just ridiculous. It is no different than my knowledge that the two people meeting in the next room are talking about me…what else would they possibly be discussing? God created the galaxy for us, there for we are the centre of it. How could there be any question here. We should have strapped a rocket to Galileo’s back so he could go out into space and see just how wrong he is.

There is also this mislead character known as Freud. To even suggest we have unknown inner voices that crave such a vile activity as sex is outrageous. Make no mistake, those inner voices either come from God or Satan as they try to direct us. All those sexual urges must come from Satan as we know God wants us to live pure, restricted lives so we can enjoy paradise after this as a reward for battling off evil.

Then there is Darwin and his theory of evolution…don’t even get me started on that.

“The brakes are gone
The less I think about it
The better.
It only makes me feel what I don’t want to feel…”

– Ray Wilson, The Brakes Are Gone

Author’s note:
Anyone taking any of the above (excepting Mr. Wilson’s lyrics) seriously needs to have an apple dropped on their head…and I mean first gen Apples when they were big and heavier…not these fucking iPads.

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