This is Reggie behind the mic and Cletus at the board with Rufus keeping his eye on us…well, his good eye.
This is last week’s news today. We are, of course, sponsored this week by the Klondike Association Boosting Open Oil Machinery…KABOOM!
Let’s see…where to begin…where to begin?
How about with this…just about eighty days until Towel Day. This is the day that marks the anniversary of the death of Douglas Adams…except two weeks later. I guess these hitchhiker folk figure to be late for everything.
In other news, there is talk of warning labels going on energy drink cans. Would be like the cigarette packages, but not so extreme. I sense a conspiracy!
Cletus…CLETUS!…Wake up! Hit the conspiracy gong. How many of those energy drinks have you had tonight, anyway? Eight? Mixed with whiskey? Nice.
I think they are doing this because they don’t want us with too much energy! Next, they are going to start putting in laws that will ban us from carrying more than eight guns while under the influence of this stuff. I am a much better shot when I have had six or seven of those tins…mixed with hooch, of course. Much better driver, too.
Um…let me see here…Pope Benedict got on his helicopter and rode off into the sunset. I wonder if that there helicopter was named Trigger…
Cletus? You see what I did there. Roy Rogers would’ve liked it. Yippee ki ya, mother…what? Family radio? Since when? I told momma not to listen no more.
How about this? Jay Leno is retiring again. I think this time it will be four good. After all this time, he finally realizes he can’t outlast ole Reggie here. About bloody time, too. I think the phone company will be turning off my phone soon, so The Tonight Show producers better get on the horn to me now so they can ride my coat talks to the promised land.
Promised land…Cletus, you know where the promised land is, right? No, not the Seven Eleven at Lexington and Third. You dolt. Yes, well get a Slurpee on the way home…and a pack of Red Bulls.
Well, on behalf of Cletus and Rufus…give us a bark there Rufus…
Atta’ boy. This is Reggie signing off. On the off chance those TV people don’t call, we’ll be back with more news next time.
Oh, and Cletus…fuck you, Cletus. Family show, my ass. The FCC is just like them men in black you keep reading about. Next you’ll be trying to tell me that story about the South African runner with no feet shooting his girlfriend is real, too. You should stop reading those fucking tabloids.